Sir, can I buy me one healing coin?
I’ll carry it ‘round both evening and morn
I’ll pat on my pocket to know that it’s near
I’ll savor the times when it calms all my fear
The coin it will save me
My doubts and my woes
Will each melt away
I’ll have no more foes!
Just give me the coin
And I’ll be on my way
Until it’s apparent
It won’t save the day.
Years ago I attended counseling sessions with a woman who liked to dance in the rain. I was a Christian and she was a New Ager but I liked her – because she was defensive over my healing. She was willing to fight for my healing, after I had lived in an abusive situation. I got angry one day, however, because I told her to give me a “Top Ten” list. What top ten things would I need to do in order to be healed? Just tell me and I’ll do them! I’ve always been good at working from lists. She refused any such list and told me that it would take time and effort and consistent visits in order to bring my mind around to proper healing.
Even with those sessions (up to 4 days per week at one point), my insides were not completely healed. She helped to serve as a band-aid for me: that much is true. She assisted me with coping skills and placed new ‘tapes’ inside my mind: “You are good enough. You are smart enough. You are capable.” Those tapes did help during that time of my life, during that season.
However, God knew that the work wasn’t finished. I hadn’t yet surrendered myself to the Healer of all Healers: Jesus Christ. I hadn’t put up the white flag of human logic and reasoning to say, “I give up, God. You take over.” Once I did that, things took a turn.
I’m about two years into this now and of course, looking back, it’s been many additional years of healing, even though I didn’t realize that at the time. Now it’s apparent to me and I’m actively participating in the process, which makes it all the more ‘real.’
As I prayed today, calling out to God for understanding, I saw a coin. The coin, of course, had two sides. On one side were the things that other people had/have done to me that caused pain and trauma, shame or anguish (molestation, rape, verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional neglect, favoritism to others, and so on). On the flip side were the things I have done to others to hurt them (running away, lying, cheating, stealing, drinking, some drugs, physical sins, yelling, unkind words, judging, sizing people up in my mind as if I can label them and place them into a box of psychoanalytical analysis, and more).
As the coin went between sides, I realized that what God has been doing is healing me by bringing back memories I had pushed away. But it wasn’t simply about naming what others did to me…it’s also about showing me what I did to hurt others. So on one side of the coin I can grieve and cry and ask God to pull the painful pieces out of me (like Eustace being ‘remade’ in the CS Lewis story of “Voyage of the Dawn Treader”). On the other side I can repent and plead the blood of Jesus over my sins, as they have already been paid for.
There are two sides to the Healing Coin: Others / Me.
What many quick-fixes aim to do is bring us to a point of naming the hurts of others while patting us on the back to say, “You just need better self-esteem!” What I have come to see, though, is that many of my choices became the things that hurt OTHERS. And that matters to God as much as it matters to Him that I, myself, get healed. And so I repent and pray for the people I hurt and I ask God to forgive those who wronged me and I ask God to keep me from doing harm in the future.
Do we want real healing? Deep, to the core, gut out the pain and lay the sins on the table, healing? It’s there…for anyone willing to ask. “Be careful what you ask for” applies here (wink). Because when you give Jesus an inch, He will take a mile. He will lead you into the valley and show you that your rest is found in Him, even in the midst of the darkest hour. He will give you more than you asked for and take you further than you ever wanted to go.
And then the healing will come.